Dear Superstars...

Dear Superstars,
This is probably the rawest I have ever displayed myself. A girl with too much on her mind, and so much she wants to accomplish. I don’t know where to start or where to end, so I warn you that this will be one bumpy road of an entry. 
Most people say it is good to talk to people, but what if you don’t have anyone to talk to. I mean, I do have my parents and sister, but somethings you want to share with a friend. A true friend. Someone I like to consider a 2 A.M.er. These are the people that you can call up at anytime of the day, morning or night, skip the whole,”Hey, what are you doing?” or “I don’t mean to bother you”, and just pour your heart out. I feel that I can describe this person so well, without ever experiencing a friendship like this.
Why is it that you can picture something so perfectly, but never be able touch it? Scratch that. I don’t mean never because I am optimistic that I will have a friend like that one day. One day meaning soon. Until then, I’m stuck picturing myself with this person that I could have a ball with in Walmart at midnight and could care less about what others do. Their only concern is trying to be the best them. The person I could actually have a conversation with on anything: teachers, politics, even trying to figure out ways of not wearing a bra unnoticeable. 
No, I’m stuck with people speaking negatively about random people they never met on Instagram. Or the fact they didn’t get a goodmorning text from their “boo”. Do they not realize some kids don’t have parents to kiss their cheek and say,” Have a good day,”? This is the stuff that breaks my heart, and the reason I spend most of my time at home.
Quite honestly, I enjoy my parents’ company more than people in my age group. I can have legitimate conversations with them. When I’m with them, I’m a downpour of rain. Everything comes out whether it’s funny, knowlegdeable, or me just being curious. But parents aren’t the people you do certain teenage stuff with. These aren’t this people you apply eyeliner with on a Friday night . Or drive around with no particular place to go with on a Saturday. They for sure aren’t the people you buy a pack of cigarettes with at eighteen knowing you aren’t going to smoke them. You’re just doing it for the “hell of it”. Those just for the “hell of it” moments turn into memories that aren’t made with your mom or dad.
To add to this headache, is a noun that every teenager has, had, or will hate: school. There was a time not too long ago that I absolutely loved school. It was my escape. I didn’t just learn for test. I didn’t learn just to make a good grade. I didn’t learn for a rank. Back then, I learned for an unknown reason that I love would to figure out, so I could go back to that place. Because the place I am in right now is so suffocating.
What is sleep? Is this what college going to be like? Who really needs school?
These are questions that constantly go through my mind. I go to one of the most academic challenging schools in my state. A school that I have a bittersweet relationship with. I mean I absolutely love the school, but each day it is leaves such a bad taste in my mouth. Okay, here’s an example.
I wake up around five in the morning after getting around let’ s say around three to four hours of sleep. Reason being, I was doing and studying for a test I had doubts of passing, and by passing I mean getting an A (yeah that’s the kind of sick mindset I have) . I get to school and surrounded by people talking about their weekends. Another reminder of my loneliness. Then, I head to my classes. Each one I experience a little anxiety from A)being scared of what’s to come next B) the test I have to take or C) receiving test scores back and feeling like a complete failure for making a high B or a low A. As the day goes by, I feel myself getting weaker and weaker. Weak from carrying a backpack around.Weak from having no sleep. Weak from not having anyone to ask,”Are you alright?”. Even if they did, I probably wouldn’t know where to begin and by the time I did they probably would have been on to something else. After school most days, I have  to go to a club where I feel like a complete outcast. I feel like I do not belong and that the people do not want me to belong. After dealing with that for an hour and a half, I go home to repeat the same cycle of a sleepless night and anxiety.
You see, Superstars, I really want to go far with my blog. I’m not going to lie I want this blog to be big. I want girls going through anything, hell or walking on clouds, to read my blog. It’s just so hard to make time for something I love with all my heart, but have no way of doing it because of an outside force. That’s exactly what school feels like an outside force preventing me from doing what I love. I find it sad that people think the only way of becoming successful is school or you’re dumb if you don’t go to college. Learning from a structured establishment isn’t the only form of education. Education ranges from knowing yourself, to knowing your religion, knowing the beauty in small things, or just knowing the fact that waking up in the morning isn’t guaranteed.
I know that I always preach about making yourself happy. Trust me, I thought I knew how.Now, I’m learning that it is extremely difficult.
Superstars, I am not perfect in any way. I laugh, cry, and scream for all the wrong reasons. I can find a reason to fall in love with anyone that walks five feet in front of me. I once had a crush on a drug dealer. I daydream way too much on a life I will never have and probably shouldn’t. I want to feed all the hungry children in Africa all while buying every item from Free People. I have to constantly tell myself not to hate or be jealous of someone. And I’m moody to the people that love me most. I’m a girl that’s trying to find something, someone, herself. Will I ever find any of those things? That’s to be continued.
The “Raw” Sarah E.